The TURDLSWAG Plan

This comprehensive approach will catapult America headfirst into a brighter future for all.

Technology

Under my administration, I’ll roll out a tax-funded public internet service, with availability throughout the entire country. I’ll break up the monopolies held by private internet and cable companies, providing a better experience for citizens everywhere at a lower price.

Universal Distribution of Buttered Bread Crumbs

Toasted buttered bread crumbs are a crucial pillar of the American diet. A sad reality facing the country today is that not all Americans have access to the toasty, buttery, salty goodness required to pursue the American dream. Under my administration, all restaurants will be required to serve 1/4 cup of toaster butter bread crumbs alongside every meal. Citizens will also be able to collect their breadcrumb rations free of charge at post offices, schools, and libraries.

Rail infrastructure

To cut back on greenhouse gas emissions caused by air travel, my administration will make it a priority to build a high speed rail system covering the entire United States, including Alaska and Hawaii. Journey times will be comparable in speed and price to flying, with a fraction of the environmental impact.

Destruction of Reddit

2021 will be the year all bad memes are removed from the face of the internet. By any means necessary, Reddit will be shut down and destroyed, freeing Americans from the constant fear of seeing furries online.

Logo Design

My administration will create a new branch of the military called the Logo Force. This branch will specialize in graphic design and computer hacking. It will carefully select companies with poorly designed logos, design better logos for said companies, and then upload the new logos to their websites. These cyber attacks will continue until the company is forced to adopt the new, improved logo as their own.

Slow Walking Tax

Anyone walking slowly down a hallway obstructing others from passing will face an increased income tax of 50%. This will greatly improve productivity for all, boosting the economy and improving the country’s living conditions.

Waiting in the Middle of an Intersection Penalty

Anyone caught stopped in an intersection, corridor, hallway, doorway, or in front of an escalator will be imprisoned for up to 5 years, and fined no less than $300.00. This policy will relieve traffic and boost efficiency for all citizens.

Abolish Tumblr

Through the years, we’ve clearly seen that nothing of value comes from Tumblr. It is in the nation’s best interest to remove the platform from the internet entirely. This will result in a dramatic reduction of highly-compressed JPEG motivational quotes, and entirely made up exchanges between “strangers”.

Go to Mars

I’ll expand the budget for NASA by 500% (funded through the slow walking tax) so we can make the first manned expeditions to Mars by 2022.

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